Avengers desi version Badlavaan (Oye-Ma Badla in Bhojpuri!) to star Laloo Yadav, Baba Ramdev, Singer Abhijit, Justice Katju and Arnab Goswami
This scoop is from one of our most secretive journos, well-versed in the skill of dizzy logic. He has been trailing the most eerie corridors in Bollywood to get a hold of this top secret (Which can be easily identified either in a stack of dusty files of Dharma Productions or a group of emails, because of its stickers and labeling in big bold red called “Kabhi Secret Kabhi Top Secret”.)
Karan Johar who seems to have stopped sleeping altogether after all the cups of coffee he had in Kofee with Karan, is as usual busy financing everything that looks like a story. In fact just a few days back his offices had mailed a British guy called “Tory” that they were willing to buy the (S) tory and its remake rights. They were told that it was a typo and there was no story, but just Mr. Tory. In Fact all that coffee is said to be giving him sleepless nights, instead of his audience, for a change.
I summoned my team of Dizzy logic correspondents, journos and newsmen by calling for an emergency meeting. Everyone came in worried as this seemed quite unusual and they were annoyed that I would be asking them to forego dizzy logic and use fuzzy logic, for which they weren’t well trained. Oh by the way now an intro on Dizzy Logic!
There is logic and then there is
Intuitionistic logic and then there is propositional, predicate, modal, temporal, moral logic…
(Yes I got it, I will directly jump to the point).
Desi version of Avengers – Badlavaan
(Oye-Ma Badla in Bhojpuri!)
Soon to be released in a theater near you!
Laloo Yadav as Black Widow
Arnab Goswami as Thor
Justice Markendaya Katju as Hulk
Baba Ramdev as Iron Man
Singer Abhijit as Captain America
Our Dizzy logic correspondent was able to get a copy of the preliminary script sheet of Dharma productions
Script Sheet-1 – Badlavaan
First Prayer words:
Kabhi OM Kabhi NOM (No OM for Secular reasons!)
Black Widow/Natasha – Laloo Yadav: Although in the original Avengers, Black Widow/Natasha is played by a woman we decided that Laloo Yadav suits well for this role.
Dizzy Logic Explanation by our correspondent: Laloo like the Black Widow Natasha, was initially working against the powerful one, (America, in the story Avengers) Nitish Kumar. But later he fell in love with the superhero “Secularism” and switched sides to be on Nitish’s side. Just like Natasha in the original Avengers, who worked for Russia initially against America, Laloo too was possessed by the “devil”. In the movie Avengers Natasha was skilled in being “cast” into any role. She could be a gymnast, a spy, a martial arts fighter and a sexy lover. Like the “Black Widow”, Laloo also could be cast(e) into any role, a singer wooing his voters, a lover sending love to Nitish and a superhero fighting a devil called the “Loki” (Land of Khakees in India), implying the BJP/RSS.
Thor — Arnab Goswami plays Thor in the desi version of Avengers, Badlavaan
Dizzy Logic Explanation by our correspondent: Arnab like Thor discovers his mike (hammer), the source of all his power! While defeating the aliens (Those guests who are aliens to the laws of his Kingdom- Xolo’s NewsHour). Arnab is the sole god who protects the truth, after developing a strong affinity for it. While Thor has a very long life, Arnab’s voice is extremely Long-lived after having consumed the Golden apples (microphones in Arnab’s case).
Thor is capable of entering into a state known as the “Warrior’s Madness“ (“berserkergang” in Norwegian), which will temporarily increase his strength and stamina tenfold, although in this state he attacks friend and foe alike. No wonder we have seen Arnab numerous times in this “Warrior Madness” state where he attacks everyone, whether it is Subrmaniam Swami, the Congress Spokesman who uses the “G (Gandhi)” word like the Gayatri mantra (with all sacred respect!) or his own bald-headed TimesNow pollster, who tries to fit into Arnab’s Jungle, where Goswami roars like the king of the jungle!
Hulk – Justice Markandey Katju, the former chairman of the Press Council of India and a former judge of the Supreme Court will be playing Hulk.
Dizzy Logic Explanation by our correspondent: Hulk/scientist Bruce Banner considers himself to be mightier than 90% of the super-heroes. Justice Katju thinks 90% of Indians are idiots and he belongs to the rest who are much more intelligent. Bruce Banner became the hulk, when he was accidentally exposed to the gamma rays, trying to save a youth from it. He remained normal at times but became Hulk during other occasions, breaking walls and doing things which were considered extremely powerful.
Justice Katju too tried to save India from the rays of corruption and other stuff which triggered idiotic thinking in the country, and got exposed to it in the process. Katju too would behave normal at times, but would break eardrums at time with his comments that were made stronger with his power of “truth”!
Ironman – Baba Ramdev, the Yoga guru cum businessman would be playing the Iron man.
Dizzy Logic Explanation by our correspondent: Iron man is the playboy Tony Stark with millions and Ramdev is the playboy (has his way of playing around with the senses of some primates, in seductive poses, especially the chimpanzees!) with millions. Like the Iron man, Ramdev has a humano-bear suit (symbolized by his excessively dense body hair on human skin! Which hasn’t been affected by global warming at all!). The uni-beam projector in the iron man’s chest is an electromagnetic pulse generator that spreads it in 360 degrees.
The thick-haired projector in Baba Ramdev’s chest is a projector which emits rays of political gyaan in 360 degrees, cutting across party lines. The iron man is well respected in the business world, able to command people’s attention when he speaks on economic matters, having over the years built up several multimillion-dollar companies from virtually nothing. And baba Ramdev too can come with medicines that can even cure AIDS, built with nothing (ashes).
Captain America – Singer Abhijit Bhattacharya, the captain of Bollywood views, will play Captian America.
Dizzy Logic Explanation by our correspondent: Just like Captain America who holds a nearly indestructible shield, which he even throws at his enemies, singer Abhijit holds a deadly tongue which he throws at, well at anyone and everyone. Like Captain America who fights the deadly menace of Red Skull, his arch enemy, singer Abhijit fights the “Footpath man” (people who sleep on the Footpath) and thinks it has the power of an evil roadside dog inside it. Captain America was trapped in ice and survived in suspended animation until he was revived in the present day. No one knew how he was or what he felt. Abhijit who plays Captain America in the desi Avengers was also trapped in a “homeless” state, until he was revived as a singer in the present day Bollywood.
And thus ends the report by one of our secret reporters who works on dizzy logic.
Oh by the way without even the movie being released, one of the famous film critics “ShowJeev SabPasand” gave it a five star rating on Twitter!
Disclaimer: This article is meant as a satire and has no resemblance to any facts. Any connections to possible incident or events are purely for humor purposes. The author neither does hold any political affiliations nor subscribe to any school of thought, nor is completely apolitical.
By S Vadwlas
Author Bio: S Vadwlas is a Software architect based in the US, with an American Masters in Engineering and an undergraduate degree from India. He is a contributor to the Times of India. He has completed a writer’s course at the Writers center, Bethesda in Washington DC. His upcoming book Go Clown (Get High Legally!) is a Literary Fiction Comedy set in India, America, Nepal and Thailand. The author can be reached on Twitter at @goclown_book www.goclown.com