All these opinions polls are crap. They have completely missed the debutante political party – and no , not the Aam Aadmi Party but Congress (V) aka Congress (Vadra) – of course “V” can also stand for quite a few auspicious words including “V” for Victory, “V” for the Venereal in VD, and so on – quite a catchy name and well chosen if you ask me.
As per the IndiaOpines estimates Congress (V), which is slated to announce its candidates soon, will win exactly 272 seats (a simple majority) in the upcoming Lok Sabha election. Our guess on the number of seats is as accurate as the forecast by any other channel – and we have not taken any kickbacks in making this estimate – we stand by the scientific methods (its a method called “hand-waving”) used in coming up with the analysis.
Winning a Lok Sabha poll takes thousand of crores and while Mayawati has that kind of money – Vadra’s wealth has been acquired way more easily making it a no-brainer for him to spend a part of his fortune to win in this election.
More importantly, people should take encouragement from the accomplished cabinet members of this upcoming ruling party. One by one:
Robert Vadra – Prime Minister with Joint Ministries of Jan Lokpal and Real Estate. His knowledge of real estate is well known. He is ideally suited for the position of Jan Lokpal (See below) and of course would make a potent Prime Minister. A Prime Ministership is a gruelling job – and he certainly has the physical fitness for success in this role.
Dawood Ibrahim (an Indian Citizen) – External Affairs Minister. He will solve the lingering India-Pakistan Kashmir problem. Kashmir will made into a conduit for drugs from Afghanistan to the United States spreading wealth and prosperity (and drugs) in Kashmir , taking people’s minds and away from any secessionist inclinations. And his famed “D-company” will be used to quell any revolt within the party or “terminate” any threats from opposition parties.
Pavan Bansal – Railways Minister. Has some ingenious ideas in improving the catering in our trains. He will source most of railways requirements through his nephew thereby bringing quality and timeliness.
A. Raja – Telecom Minister. Thanks to his efforts the telecom rates have come down drastically , thereby benefitting the poor. Further auctions will be held for 4G,5G and 6G (these dont exist, but India will auction them in advance) – thereby creating stability in the system and cheaper telecom rates. Whether Education for all becomes successful or not – certainly everyone will have a (smart)cell phone
Suresh Kalmadi – Sports Minister. India will make a bid for the Olympic games. Everyone knows that lobbying is required – Kalmadi will bribe every individual of the Olympic committee and make a 100,000 crore budget for the Olympic games. He will create a new sports city – called the “New New Gurgaon” specifically for this purpose. Of course land for the “New New Gurgaon” has already been acquired by Robert Vadra at throwaway prices and will be sold for 100x (100 times) to the Indian Government
Salman Khurshid – Handicapped/Charitable Affairs Minister. Probably the most honest Minister in the erstwhile cabinet. Has a scam of only Rs 75 lakhs against his name. Noted philanthropist and runs a large charitable NGO.
Jayanti Natarajan – Environment Minister. India has a lot of forest cover – too much if you ask. Plus there is a garbage problem. It seems that 27000 crore spent every year does not solve the garbage problem in Mumbai – Jayanti will come up with ingenious ways of either using the forest land as a landfill or simply dumping it in the Sea (why bother – its only garbage after all). Unused forest land will be sold to Raobert Vadra’s company Skylink thereby generating additional revenue for schemes that would benefit the poor.
Lalu Prasad Yadav – Agriculture & Animal Husbandry Minister. Specialist in fodder. Knows how much a cow can chew and how much can be siphoned away. Ideally suited as the Agriculture and Animal husbandry minister.
Ajit Pawar – Irrigation Minister. We dont need rains. He has promised to pee and fill up Dams – Think of it – if everybody peed into a Dam – water crisis in India would be resolved.
Sunny Leone – Minister for Culture. Her credentials are well known. Google her (not from your workplace please – and you will see what I mean).
No Chai Wala or Dynasty Wala can ever match the growth and prosperity that will be seen in India if this sort of Cabinet is formed to lead the country.
Vote for Congress(V)
By Indrajit Chatterjee
Image Source : Dawood Ibrahim