Diary Entry: March, 2015
Source: Dizzy Logic ( Name: #*#$$****####)
This is an entry from my diary around March 2015. I forgot to write the exact date, as I was so overwhelmed with a date that I had around that time, with that some special someone (Which ended well, please don’t get me started! It is a story for another day!!! Even the India Opines folks need to keep themselves warm, although they won’t share their bread & butter with me (ahem, ehmmm, ihmmm). Sorry was just clearing my throat (I hope no one heard anything!!!)
Rahul baba is at it again! Some say Thailand, some others say in the hills of Uttarakhand musing over everything. Again there are ones who say he is in a tent camping and contemplating over it, others who say just in Delhi but away from all shutter bugs. Some say he is upset with his Mom, others who say he is upset with the overbearing Ms. Media ma’am, who has been unkind to him. And finally the ones who think he is sulking cause of Diggy Raja uncle who neither gave him toffees nor advice. So while everyone from a small Mumbai neighbourhood midday magazine that sells a couple of thousand copies to the leading news anchor who discerns the truth for India every night at 9 PM and is also blessed with a voice that can resonate through the skies and over the whole of planet earth across time zones (Is it called Bramhavaani? my normal logic fails me sometimes you know!) are wasting reams of newsprint and hours of air waves, I decided on going back to what I do best. Yes, dizzy logic! OK a quick prologue. There is logic and then there is Intuitionist logic and then there is propositional, predicate, modal, temporal, moral logic… (Yes I got it, I will directly jump to the point).
I summoned my team of Dizzy logic correspondents, journos and newsmen by calling for an emergency meeting. Everyone came in worried as this seemed quite unusual and they were annoyed I would be asking them to forego dizzy logic and use fuzzy logic, for which they weren’t well trained. I reassured them and stressed upon the fact that Rahul Gandhi was missing from all the action in parliament, followed by a theatric announcement accompanied with a background score (no we did not rip it from X-men or a Rajni sir movie) in a baritone voice (again you are wrong, it wasn’t Amitabh Bacchan’s voice!) “When every other logic fails, dizzy logic comes to the rescue!”
Using the best brains of dizzy logic in the industry we brain stormed and we came to one agreement about four crucial pieces in this whole jigsaw puzzle. Ladies and gentleman! yes they are “Sir Escape velocity, a balloon, the bees and Mr. Dragon!” We went on to dissect the crucial leads one by one. Sir Escape Velocity, indeed! Rahul baba had explained the concept of escape velocity if we wanted to go into space from Earth (11.2 … there are no units in dizzy logic!), He then compared Sir escape velocity who resides on our earth to his far cousin who lives on Jupiter. So we decided to phone-a-friend like in KBC (don’t tell me you forgot it already!). Sir escape velocity (our earth fella) retorted in a grumpy voice, “how would I know, ask my cousin on Jupiter who clearly is Rahul’s favorite, numbers do not mean anything you know!” he said followed by “It’s all relative!” So we ended our chat swiftly before we get him going again, as he clearly seemed to be capsized since Rahul stated that his cousin on Jupiter was more advanced than him.
Then we went over to the next lead in our list, “A Balloon!” This time we established a direct link with the balloon that was outside 11 Ashoka Road (BJP’s national headquarters) through telepathy (smart indeed, Kudos to Dizzy logic!). The balloon was in a bad shape, it appeared that the balloon was losing air in all directions and was looking very sallow and shrunken. It was in a colossal state of grief since Rahul said that it was going to burst. But it was trying to put up a brave face and said “I do not know where Rahul is and I am not bothered about it, anyways why would I when he said BJP’s balloon would burst!” Then I tried consoling it saying that it did well unlike what Rahul said and Modi (BJP) did indeed win, to the contrary. But it was upset further and said even Modi doesn’t care about us balloons. “He said Rahul speaks of balloons and toffees like a child. You know we balloons are not just a child’s play” and he went on about weather balloons and how useful they were. Before it went further I feigned technical difficulties and ended the session.
We were finished ticking off two leads on our list now and finally went on to the third one. “The bees!” Using my abundance of dizzy logic I figured out it was scary to do an audio chat with the bees as their buzz would echo and damage our eardrums. I started video chat with no audio and typed our question to the bees for their rejoinder. The queen bee replied with a contented face. (I could still feel my keyboard shaking to the vibrations of the noise generated by the millions and millions of bees in the beehive). “Yes, Rahul Gandhi of course, he compared India to us and said in a beehive everyone gets their voice heard! Isn’t that sweet like our honey? But the queen bee went on to say that they weren’t aware of where he was, and I am to convey their gratitude and thanks for the praise he showered on them. Before I ended the chat conversation. I was sure I felt some worker bees in the background murmuring, “Where do all the bees get to make their voice heard? Not in this beehive!” While there was no audio, I figured this out through my intuition powered by a healthy dose of dizzy logic.
And went on to our last hope, the Dragon. I quickly got him on the hotline set-up between China and India and asked him if he knew where Rahul was, to which the Dragon replied “How would I know where Rahul Gandhi is or what his strategy for India is, you know it’s kind of naïve that he thinks the beehive is more powerful than a dragon. I can show you how powerful I am!” to which I abruptly ended the call. I knew he was a fire spitting dragon like the one in Harry Potter but being brought up in the school of dizzy logic, I deliberately avoided a video conference with the dragon and also kept our conversation short.
We finally ran out of all options, and the team of dizzy logic luminaries started arguing amongst themselves. One of the correspondents suggested we try contacting Mr. Kejriwal as he was sure that Mr. Kejriwal must be sending Rahul Gandhi bouquets of flowers frequently, since his phenomenal victory in Delhi and he must be knowing the whereabouts of Mr. Gandhi. This was countered by another source of mine, a well-known proponent of dizzy logic that Kejriwal wouldn’t know and he must be sending flowers now to Priyanka Gandhi or Mr. Vadra since Rahul Gandhi was absent. My well assembled team of dizzy logic sources was falling apart and I tore down the paper of our initial leads into pieces and had thrown them apart, while looking at the torn pieces. Eureka! That’s it like the Archimedes of dizzy logic I figured it out. Rahul Gandhi had said in the past about an ordinance to shield convicted leaders that it was a complete nonsense, and the ordinance bill should be torn and thrown away.I was also sitting in the same direction as Rahul when he made this announcement. That was the clue. We had to look for the directions in which these torn papers fell. I immediately set out my dizzy logic sources to look for Rahul Gandhi in those directions.
“Dizzy logic saves another day. Thanks to dizzy logic!”
I will soon share with you folks my second entry as to what book (“Go Clown”) Rahul Gandhi read during his vacation (Needless to say, my dizzy logic sources brought me the inside news!!). And what in that book made Rahul Gandhi repeat “Suit-boot ki Sarkar!!!”, so much so that his aides were worried and a doctor was summoned for Rahul Baba who gave him a medicine (Enough of it, It is another post from my diary, for another day! Maybe another Faking Post article when Arnab Goswami is missing from our lives!!!)
By S Vadwlas
S Vadwlas is a Software architect based in the US, with an American Masters in Engineering and an undergraduate degree from the National Institute of Technology (NIT), India. He is a contributor to the Times of India. He has completed a writer’s course at the Writers center, Bethesda in Washington DC. His upcoming book Go Clown (Get High Legally!) is a Literary Fiction Comedy set in India, America, Nepal and Thailand. The author can be reached on Twitter at @goclown_book / www.goclown.com