Dear tamaam Netalog,
We, the people of India are thoroughly fed up by your machinations, self-serving values, apathy and blundering with our present and future. Keeping in mind, you constant failures; we declare that party politics will end in our country. All political parties hereby stand dissolved with immediate effect.
Netaji, your job is to improve our lot. You have an immense responsibility and accountability towards us. We are completely dissatisfied with your performance in the past 66 years and have decided that you do not deserve to have the job any more.
What’s going to change
We, your employers and masters, have decided to restructure the organisation (the government) to achieve optimal performance vis-a-vis returns, transparency, growth and development. We will no longer outsource our government to any single vendor (read: political party). We are giving a notice of 6 months to all vendors to understand our new structure and requirements. All vendors have a period of 3 months to raise any questions or request for clarifications.
Going forward, we are going to only appoint individuals. We will henceforth appoint the most eligible candidate in a role. You, neta, are invited to submit your application to us. Your application should be in two parts, your Curriculum Vitae and a cover letter. Your CV must contain the following:
- Position Applied For
- Age and Date of Birth
- Place of Birth
- Passport Number
- UID Number
- PAN Card Number
- Experience (be as detailed as you can because we will scrutinize all information; highlight relevant experience)
- Achievements (if any, at all)
- Plans for Next 5 Years
- Personal Aspirations and Goals
- Why do you think you are suitable for this position? (no more than 150 words)
Additional Information Required
- Tax returns of Past 15 Years
- Police Clearance Certificate that there are no registered cases against you
- Court clearance certificate that there are no open, on-going or pending cases against you
- List of All Family Assets (movable and immovable and held in the name of immediate and extended family)
- Notarized Photocopies of All Bank Account Details For a Period of 15 Years (include all national and international bank accounts held by you and your immediate and extended family)
Your covering letter must summarize your strengths and weaknesses while very humbly requesting our attention to your application. You must list the measures and matrices that you will use to reliably track your performance, should your application be successful. To help you set your goals and matrices, we would like you to know that we will be using four proven management tools to measure your performance and the performance of the organisation (read: country). The tools are:
- Strategic Planning
- Customer (namely all citizens) Relationship Management
- Balanced Scorecard
You have 3 months to ask any questions you may have. The cut-off date for receiving all applications for all positions is 4 months from today. There will be multiple rounds of interviews with multiple panels. You are expected to make yourself available on the given date, venue and time. Non-appearance for any interview will result in the rejection of your application.
We look forward to receiving your application and reviewing the same. We wish you all the best. We do hope you unlearn everything you have understood about how a democracy works and learn the basics again: of the people, for the people, by the people.
Citizens of India
By Sujata Garimella