Climbing down a golden ladder, surrounded by a legion of adoring fans, current Elephant Galaxy sweetheart and self-proclaimed would be President of the Universe; Planet Trrump announced that he won this year’s Nobel Prizes. He repeatedly insisted that he won not one, but two Nobel Prizes both in Physics and in Chemistry.
Planet Trrump wins the chemistry Nobel for mining seemingly endless amounts of Gold. His immense contribution in creating the yellow metal has been lauded across the length and breadth of Elephant Galaxy, especially by middle aged ladies and bald men.
Kaltie Homes a 45 year old lady had this to say about Planet Trrump’s golden hair “I touched it. It’s pure Gold.”
James Earl a 33 year old Painter said “Planet Trrump’s head grows genuine 24 carat Gold and it’s tremendous. Hope I had a few strings of hairs on my head”.
In addition to huge amounts of golden hair, Planet Trrump also created a Golden Opportunity of infinite proportions, albeit for a rival galaxy. With his mere presence and uttering’s, Planet Trrump, converted the pathetic black holes of Billary Fatigue and Billary Legacy into a humongous golden opportunity for the dual Galaxy of Billary. Further Planet Trrump’s Laws of Political Motion ensures a near cent percent minority antipathy towards Elephant Galaxy at the same time opening the prospect of a potential third party run. Both sure shot paths of success, for Billary in their bid to win the Universe, who otherwise has to explain their seemingly endless scandals. True he has the Midas touch.
The Alchemists of the Renaissance era tried hard but failed in their ultimate pursuit of creating Gold from Lead. Planet Trrump on the other hand succeeded immensely in creating Gold out of almost anything. Hence he truly deserves the Nobel Prize in Chemistry.
Thus red Planet Trrump award citation.
Planet Trrump’s Laws of Political Motion make mincemeat of Pundit’s Laws of Politics. The immense gravitational pull of Planet Trrump was enough to convince many sweet and hardworking, yet slightly callow Elephant citizens that somehow they can be transferred back to the fifties. This impossible time travel to the fifties, when they ruled the roost like there was no tomorrow, was seemingly made possible among others by Trrump’s gravity defying ego, immense wealth and bombastic “give two hoots attitude” about traditional manners.
Planet Trrump also created a new interstellar quantum looser theory. The more you hit Trrump the more you diminish politically. This theory was proved with remarkable precision when two humongous egocentric planets Smart Eyed Perry-2 and Cuddly Deep South Graham crumbled into smothers, after being mildly attacked by planet Trrump. Further various satellites like Rosie, Kelly, Single vision, etc. have been pushed off their orbits after they dared to defy Planet Trrump’s gravity.
Planet Trrump’s political staying power and immense appeal has practically proved what he had firmly believed for ages that the Universe begins and ends with Planet Trrump!
This interstellar and inter-galactic superstar, Planet Trrump has the media ratings shooting through the roof. So much so that many struggling networks are running nonstop coverage of his every single shenanigan, with the hope that his popularity among Elephant Galaxy citizens and his unpredictability can somehow force their quirky viewership to cough more money.
Hence for this original work Planet Trrump wins the Nobel Prize in Physics. At least that’s what his office feels.
If and when these Prizes are awarded Planet Trrump becomes only the second name in known history to be associated with two Nobel prizes that too in two different scientific fields. The other being a Polish lady named Madam Curie on a far off planet called Earth. Interestingly her French husband Pierre Curie and her French born half Polish daughters had also won Nobel Prizes.
When asked about Madam Curie and Pierre Curie, Planet Trrump tweeted:
“Pierre Curie was killed by a horse drawn wagon! Puhffff give me a break! Whoever gets killed by a horse drawn wagon-1! @ GoldenplanetTrrump”
“I prefer Nobel prize winners who are not killed by horse drawn wagons. Pierre Curie is a looser -2! @GoldenplanetTrrump”.
When prodded further to explain, Planet Trrump tweeted the following
“Curie did careless scientific work and for her stupidity Life said “You are fired!” and she died. What a Looser!” @GoldenplanetTrrump
Further Planet Trrump retweeted
“Madam Curie died shamelessly with blood oozing from her whatever, due to her relentless pursuit of scientific research at great cost to personal safety. Madam Currie was just a Polish Bimbo immigrant to France” @TrueElephantInLetterAndSpirit
Planet Trrump’s online supporters also noted that Madam Curie had a couple of Polish Anchor bimbo Babies on French Soil. All these points have invalidated the Curie’s from being compared with the one and only Planet Trrump, his fans claimed.
The lifelong dream of thousands of hard working and extremely talented scientists across the world, to win the elusive and highly coveted Nobel Prize, lay shattered. This pushed the shell-shocked scientific community into grief.
Eventually the news reached The Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences that awards both the Nobel Prize in Physics and in Chemistry. As expected they were aghast. Elephant Galaxy’s leadership made a huge mistake by taking planet Trrump as a joke. The Nobel Academy did not want to repeat their mistake, and took planet Trrump seriously and issued the following statements.
Firstly “it is still September and we usually declare the Nobel’s around first week of October. Scientists please cheer up.”
Secondly “there is nobody by the name of Planet D Trrump on our shortlist for this year’s Nobel’s. We will not pay for this circus.”
Thirdly “A mark of Greatness need not be a Nobel. Neither Mahatma Gandhi nor FDR got one.”
“Gandhi is a Looser who was shot dead for fighting for peace. As per FDR, Elephants don’t give a damn “.
He added that Sweden shall anyhow pay for what he called “Planet Trrump’s Nobel Triumph” when he as the President of the Universe shall overtax Ikeah and Swedish massages of all shades.
On hearing this, the ever wise and erudite Physicist from the Elephant Galaxy, Dr Sledgehammer was crestfallen. In desperation he pulled hard whatever hair was left on his head and lamented aloud
“Where is that sweet person who wrote a best seller, and built a multi-billion empire out of hard work, grit and determination? Where is that nice Planet Trrump that we all knew? How can such a smart man make such impractical plans for the future?
Planet Trrump was not amused and promptly labeled Dr Sledgehammer
“.. a pathetic looser who always sits in his wheelchair and hence does not know what it is to take a stand.”
Another well-known Elephant galaxy scholar Prof Harjo’ Ville Lopez said
“Mr. Trrump can’t you use your immense charisma and appeal to campaign positively? Why be a divisor rather than being a unifier, like Planet Reagan?”
“Alas we hoped it shall be Elephants this election cycle but you are making it very easy for Billary.”
“Wait a second Lopez! I was with Planet Reagan when you were still an immigrant and as for Billary, they shall be in jail once I am the President.”
Realizing that this whole news cycle needs an exit strategy and The Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences cannot be trusted to physically present him the two golden Nobel medallions, he decided to take matters into his own hand. It was announced that the award ceremony shall be held shortly.
Before that he tweeted
“Curie won the first Nobel in 1903 and the other only in 1911! It took 8 more years for her to win the second Nobel. Sic Curie is a looser!-1 @GoldenplanetTrrump”
“Planet Trrump shall be awarded the two Nobel gold Medallions right away.Media networks who want to transmit the event live , can contact Trrump Office , at the paid number 007-004 1776 for rates.-2 @GoldenplanetTrrump”
All the media networks fell for the bait and decided to transmit the event live across the Universe and beyond.
The award ceremony was to be held in true Planet Trrump style. In a golden Helicopter flying high above reality, under the watchful eye of the Bald Eagle , with one hand on both the “The Best book of all time” and “The Second Best book of all time” and another on his golden heart, shown live across the Universe , Planet D Trrump shall receive the two Nobel Prizes from himself.
Meanwhile “The Best book of all time” was being reluctantly shoved into the Helicopter along with bundles of “The Second Best book of all time”. Snubbed by this behavior “The Best book of all Time”, asked Planet Trrump some questions like
“What will Jesus think about Planet Trrump’s Laws of Political Motion?”
“How will Planet Trrump explain…. Love your neighbor as you love yourself?”
“Once Planet Trrump lays his hands on the Nuclear Briefcase will he say You are fired?”
On hearing this rant Planet Trrump thundered
“Go back to your Universe!”
He whistled to his aides who promptly rushed forward to shove “The Best book of all time” out of the Helicopter! “The Best book of all time” looking at Planet Trrump’s silky gold mane murmured
Again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle,
than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”
To which Planet Trrump said “I have a Golden Heart” and closed the golden doors of his helicopter. After which the golden Helicopter lifted into the skies.
In a brief ceremony high above reality, telecast live across the Universe, under the watchful eye of a sedated and caged Bald Eagle, Planet Trrump recreated the traditional presidential swearing-in ceremony. He swore on “The Second Best book of all time” rather than the traditional “The Best book of all time” which was thrown out a few minutes ago:
“I Planet D Trrump do solemnly swear to accept the two Nobel prizes, Physics and Chemistry; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of a two time Nobel Prize winner”.
Suddenly the Bald Eagle got out of its induced stupor, flapped its huge wings, clinched its talons and made angry noises as if saying
“Help us God! Help us”
Disclaimer: – Purely a fictional account with no relation with anyone dead or alive. All resemblances are purely coincidental.
Author Bio: S Vadwlas is a Software architect based in the US, with an American Masters in Engineering and an undergraduate degree from the National Institute of Technology (NIT), India. He is a contributor to the Times of India. He has completed a writer’s course at the Writers center, Bethesda in Washington DC. His upcoming book Go Clown (Get High Legally!) is a Literary Fiction Comedy set in India, America, Nepal and Thailand. The author can be reached on Twitter at @goclown_book / www.goclown.com