Roll on the floor but do not miss to roll your eyeballs on this mirth-filled masterpiece.

twisted meaning A Contradictionary For Political Slanguists

Achche din: Fine “din” and full-blood “dishum-dishum” between “empowered emp-errors” in lawmaking arenas, resulting in “Achy Din” for the perturbed public, and – aha! – truly “Achche Dinner” for rumour-humour mongers.

> AK-1947: “Authentically Killed” Independence.

> Aam Admi, Aum (Om) Admi, Ma’am Admi: The only three authorized Administrative breeds of India. Citizens refusing to say “Add me” to them become “Damn Admis.”

> Baby doomers: Post-1947 Indian children witnessing only gloom and doom around them.

> Bail court: A concept in mythological penology, where people with influence and affluence get “on-demand” anticipatory bails, as well as paroles.

> “Banned It belt: A country noted for its “ban galore,” involving books, paintings, films, blogs and websites, besides “inconvenient” brands of food, dress, customs and lifestyle.

> Berth right: The genetically transmitted “Right” of the political ‘privilegentsia’ (the ‘right’ people) to ministerial berths. [“Swaraj is my birth-right” has now mutated into “Swaraj is for berth-right”].

> Bhrantiya Junta Congress: A surrealistic “peacocktail” party embracing the best and brightest elements of all the Indian parties, and carrying hallucinations (“Bhranti”) of transforming India into a “partying” nation with all “spreedom,” in collusion with “beer-ocrats,” “brandy-coots,” “bam-booz.e-lers,” and “Pub-liq-ans.

> Caste-effective: Yielding good benefits on the sole strength of caste. “Caste-defective” citizens pay a lethal “caste-price” in their career and life.

> “Celebral dysmetropsia: A disorienting neuropsychiatric condition, where celebrities seem larger than life and their offences seem overpoweringly microscopic. [“Dysmetropsia” is a medical condition involving size distortions in visual perception].

> Clean India: A campaign designed to – a) Scrub the Indian exchequer clean of whatever still stays un-plundered therein and take the pickings to launderers in “middle of nowhere” islands in the “Black Buck Sea”; b) Wash dirty political linen in front of nosey international spectators.

> Cross-border tremorism”: A situation of embarrassment and exasperation created when a leader of a particular political party praises its adversary. Cross-border “tremorists” are normally nominated for the “Padma Vibh‘i’shan” award.

> Democracy morphed: 1) Decibel democracy – a) A democracy drowned in the decibel dynamics of political parties “vociferociously” combating one another;        b) The dominance of sound-and-fury in the magniloquent deliveries of demagogues.

2) De-mock-rats – “Ratmen” running a mock democracy. [The best among them qualify for the “Bharat Ratna” award]. 3) Democrafts – The skills of democratic governance. 4) Democratitis – Catastrophe caused in a democratic country by –   a) An inflammation in its population counts and its failure to manage its own breedom’s “destiny with density”; b) Excessive democratic rights. 5) Democrazy – Obsessed with protest demonstrations and street parades, or with marketing “demos.” 6) Demonocracy – Government of, by, and for demons. [The act of overturning such a government is ‘de-monster-ation’]. 7) De-monocracy – The act of undoing a monocracy.

> Deposition party:  A “ruined and ruing” party on a mission to depose a ruling party by stonewalling all the tabled bills and causing forced legislative shutdowns, with the aid of “disruptive political technologies.”

> Digital India: A concept where a common citizen of India is – a) Considered a “digit” or “statistic” in the scheme of the country’s development;  b) Counted as “zero,” while a celebrity is counted as “one” (the practice of “binarism”).

> Digital literacy: The ability to read “11110011011” as 1947.

> “Do in India: A slogan inviting foreigners to build “East India Company-II” and skim the resources of India all over again.

> Ego-nomy: The plight of an economy in the hands of “po-loot-icians” engaged in ego-battles.

> Extremystics: Ultras whose views on politics, society and religion are shrouded in an optimistic mix of mists & myths and mistakes & mystiques.

> Fleece India, Flee India: A farcical anthem chorused, with free drum support, by “The Parliament of Mocking-Owls” (a flock of owls is called a “parliament”), at August 14-15 midnight, on the roadside treetops of Delhi.  [“Foredoomed to Fleadom,” “Free fall to Feedom,” “Drummed dumb to Fiefdom” and “Pleased to be fleeced” are among a sheaf of other parodies and rhapsodies often heard from the same “hoot band” on this occasion].

> “Fleedom @ midnight: Scope to sneak away under the cover of darkness, with “oodles of boodle.”

> 4-G Spectrum: Gang-rapists, Goondas, Gamblers and “Graftsmen.” [With the addition of “Gun-toters” a blazing symbol of current liberal democracy, India can join the prestigious “5-G Spectrum Club”].

> Grift hampers:  “Brief cases” given to “gifted and grifted” decision-makers for not ‘hamper’ing clearances and licences. [People not offering “brief cases” are sneeringly dismissed as “grief cases”].

> Goli bar: A bar where “Old Monk’s” pills (‘goli’), powders (‘churna’) and potions (‘rasayana’) are dispensed as magical remedies for all conceivable ills of the world.

> “Gutter Pradesh: A metaphor for everlasting wretchedness.

> Hippocracy: Government of, by and for horses, demonstrating the true power of “oats.”

> Homo electus: A mushrooming species of the political kind characterized by its faith that “all that counts in a democracy is the vote count, and election is a national sport and a core-sector industry.” “Candidatiasis” (the urge to race for ministerial berths) is a common disease found in this species.

> Homo politicus: A booming species of the political kind comprising – appal-iticians, b-r-awl-iticians, Bollyticians (from Bollywood), bullyticians, follyticians, fooliticians, paltry-cians, poll-iticians, spoil-iticians and other critters. Monopoly-ticians (autocrats), neopoliticians (newcomers), polytechies (former technocrats), “saffronistas” (Orange Orderists), “comreds” (Red Orderists), anti-rightist riotists (Infrared and Ultraviole-n-t Orderists) and Lalitterati (big-ticket cricketers) are some other fascinating mutations of the same species.

> Hung house:  An ‘innocent’ parliament inflicted with “Capital” punishment, because of internecine “fist-fest” between treasury and opposition “trenches.”

> Hypocracy or Hypercracy: Less government or more government.

> “In deep pendency”: A state where the measly “redtapeworm” has blocked the movement of all government files and forced the ship of the state to a grinding halt.

> “Indefendant” state: A state whose claim to independence is indefensible and whose position is going off the deep-end into deepened dependency.

> Jana dhana mana: A spoof on public servants’ weakness for fast and filthy lucre.

> Jan ki baat: A figment of “political science fiction,” where an invisible “Big Brother-in-Law” watches over and keeps track of the political comments of writers, rioters, playwrights and opinion makers.

> “Jingle Raj (a.k.a. “Law of the Jingle”): A regime run by “promising” politicians on the basis of sloganeering and ballyhoo.

> “Kya Khoob Mammon syndrome: The sadism associated with seeing the “beauty of booty” in the face of ruination of a nation. [“Mammon” is the embodiment of material gain & greed. “Ma’am Mammon Swing” is a ‘prime’ break-dance in India’s political circuits].

> Licence to silence (a.k.a. “Quiet India”): The prerogative enjoyed by a few top leaders to stop their speech and thereby pull even a whole country to a silent-violent stop (“lock the lips and lock the legislature”), denying key democratic rights to the citizenry. This includes the leaders’ right to ‘elective’ silence, meaning the “right to deliver electioneering spiel or overseas perorations,” but smugly and snugly slip into “safe-silent mode,” even when their oral communications are crucially called for.

> “Loot-Scoot ki Sarkar” or “Suit-Boot ki Sarkar”: A fanciful binary option that is being hard-sold on the “party market” today, alongside certain less popular options such as, “Hoot-Shoot ki Sarkar” and “Shout-Washout ki Sarkar.”  By convention, “jhoot” (lie) is unstated but automatically implied in all such options.

> Mahatmatics: The sub-discipline that quantifies the costs and benefits of India’s freedom, ever since 1947, at macro and micro levels.

> Mediacracy: A system of de facto rule by media channels misshaping public perceptions by unmitigated sensationalism, and functioning as ghost judiciary by prejudging legal cases and conducting rigorous 24×7 extrajudicial trials.

> Midnight’s good knights: “Born-free” Indians (Augustus Indicus) with no flame of freedom in their souls.

> Ministry of Eternal Affairs: Ministry handling interstate border and river-water disputes, interfaith conflicts (e.g., Ayodhya-Babri Masjid) and such other chronic and irrefutably irresolvable inland issues.

> Namo Nano: A salutation to the power of nano science and technology.

> NDA: iNDiA without two “i”s.

> NGOgraphy: A method of securing insider information on the activities of NGOs.

> Nineteen/47 struggle: The tug of war for “freedom” by the youth (aged nineteen-plus) against the previous generation (aged 47-plus).

> Non-Speaker (a.k.a. Lord Moun Mountain):  A super-parliamentary authority, who sits on a pedestal behind the Speaker, emblematizing the “Right not to Speak,” and defying the defining democratic details of “discourse, discussion and debate” with definitive deafness.

> One Domination; One Damnation (ODOD): A nation that abhors cultural diversity, thrusts religiosity, and fosters animosity, bellicosity and perversity.

> Paytriotrics: The emerging branch of “political psychiatry” that studies the tricks played by paid patriots.

> Polar energy (a.k.a. Elect-ic or Elect-tonic energy): Mileage gained by a political party by polarizing the electorate.

> Public Sector Undertakers:  The heads of PSUs, who dutifully and devoutly shoulder their enterprise to its final resting place.

> Quit India 2.0. (a.k.a. “Freedom from Indiamovement and “Dismiss India Contest”): The post-Independence Silicon Rush of high-calibre Indian professionals to the USA and other first-world destinations, resulting in fatal haemorrhaging of India’s Body Economic.

> Raj Dharna: Sit-ins and stirs staged by the “agitated” rulers themselves, as part of their Raj Dharma.

> Rape recorder: A rape-tracker based in “Nude Delhi” that clocks India’s ongoing revolution in solo as well as gang rape incidents, in “revolutions per minute” units.

> Reinforced Enforcement Force: A fabulous body comprising the – a) “Central Intelligence and Investigative Army” (CIIA), a premier body of operatives established to probe the explosive number of scams all across India; b) Paramilitary Parliamentary Platoon (PPP) for “fire-fighting” in the event of in-house law & order crises; c) Vigilante Commission to ensure execution of the moral commandments of different faiths.

> Republic of Alice Mama & 40 chief-thieves: A state ruled by Representa-thieves & Rip-publicans, or “Grip-publicans” with authoritarian tendencies, under the regal watchword “Scam and Scamper.”

> Rule, Brattannia”; Rule, “Bharatannia”: A private anthem of the nasty dynasties, praying for the return of the rule of “dynastosaurs” in India.

> Selfie Important Persons: Persons seeking self-publicity by constantly creating “sight bites” and jamming the networks of their groupies with streaming selfies, all day long.

> Skull India: A national movement to “Train the brain and restrain the drain.”

> Social meddlia: ForceBook, FierceBook, Spitter, Hitter, “YouYou-MeMe-Tube” and such other online channels loaded with mischievous content.

> Stategraft: The art of governance by corruption.

> Tweetnothingarians: Luminaries who tweet-talk and send out only “tweetnothings” to endear themselves to their “twitterpated” (infatuated) audiences, even amidst burning crises in the real world crying for their explanatory statements.

> Total-eatarian: Relating to a centralized government craving to polish off the resource base of a country, as smartly and as swiftly as possible.

> Tricolour blindness:  Eyes “conditioned” to recognize only sovereign saffron (“para-jaundice”) or only ultragreen from top to bottom, or to see pitch-black in place of white, in India’s tricolour. In acute cases, patients may “see red” all over, or even catch sight of the “Wheel of Dharma spinning in reverse gear.”

> United India General Assembly: A utopian congregation of the “dispensers of the destiny” of the United States of India, where public interest outweighs party interest, and crucial bills are passed with conspicuous conscientious consensus.

> Vertical parliament:  A hypothetical counter-parliamentary body of opposition enactors, “sworn to stand up erect” against the ruling party in all parliamentary parlour plays and parleys.

> Voter spunk: The courage of the ruled to say that 2015 minus1947 equals zero for the man in the street, and zillion rupees for the street-smart politicos.

> Whither gone thee:  A rhetorical question by pre-1947 Indians, looking back wistfully at Gandhi’s India.

> Wise Monkey Swingdom: A phantom “terrortory” where the subjects are brainwashed into “seeing no evil,” “hearing no evil” and “speaking no evil” (only “moun ki baat” inside a “monkey bath”).

> X-centric regime: A government controlled federally by an unknown (“x”) hand by means of x-ray surveillance.

> Xerox polytricks: The politics of – a) Rehashing the plans of the preceding establishment; b) Treading the same “disputed” path laid down by the opponent party.

> Yeast India Company: A group of youth involved in setting afloat “hot air balloons” of India’s achievements in a fabled past, in international skies.

> You Did It First (a.k.a. “tu tu mein mein” or “you you me me”): The keynote of the current style of “precedential government,” where opposing political forces seek to outpolitick each other by citing “precedents,” pointing fingers, and throwing blames and flames. “You Did It First” kind of panel discus-sion shows are the prime eyeball grabbers on India’s national TV circuit.

> Z-cover billion airs: Leaders of gross national importance, who “go under cover,” as their lives matter awfully more than the aggregated lives of billion-plus commoners.

> Zombie durbar: A government wholly and hopelessly piggybacked and backseat-driven by a conclave of sectarian ideologues, artificial intelligentsia and extra-constitutional “high-commanders.”

By S.G. Seetharam

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