First batch of aliens join Shobaa De’s School of Publicity called “The DE (Desperate-to-be-in-the Evening-News) School”!
What’s common between Dizzy Logic by which our correspondents work and De (Shobaa)? Well both start with a D!
Our dizzy reporter (as usual guided by Dizzy Logic!) filed this report. And now for the intro on Dizzy logic.
“There is logic and then there is Intuitionist logic and then there is propositional, predicate, modal, temporal, moral logic”
Got it, let’s jump to De and her school.
It’s a sweltering sunny afternoon at Shobaa De’s Cuffe Parade residence in Mumbai. The hastily erected extra rooms serve as classrooms cum offices for De’s School of Publicity called “The DE (Desperate-to-be-in-the Evening-News) School”
A batch of young aliens (their identity has been protected by the school authorities, but our suspicion is they are Martians. Without NASA’s knowledge they ended up tracing the way back to earth, following an American rocket!).
It’s the sixth grade in the school of publicity and they are busy reading a lesson on a character called “Pangaa Ley TwitterPey”. Apparently the character must have added an extra “a” to her first name Panga, for numerology reasons. She Tweets on twitter
“I just ate some NEWS and I am vomiting it on Twitter. Come and controversy me!”
Without any regards for English grammar (Twitter pey sab chalta hai!), the aliens are taught the sixth law of Publicity
“Always hook on to the NEWS of the day, try to connect yourself to it. In the afternoon Tweet on it, and in an outrageous way. In the evenings, talk on it at the various talk shows of the evening new,s for the TV channels, in an outlandish way”
The young aliens are then made to repeat the law 3 times and write it two times. “The fundamentals of publicity need to be strong!”, says the teacher.
In another grade, the students are taught “Always talk as if you represent India, it doesn’t matter if you vacation in Paris, use fancy English words which 90% of India doesn’t understand, travel around in posh localities of Delhi and Mumbai in big cars, you will still represent the hard-working, unclean, sweat-emitting common man and woman of India!”
In another assignment which was given to a bunch of eight graders they had to write an essay on “How to poke the lunatic/fringe elements of political parties, who are thirsting for a Tamasha?”
The winning answer was from one of the brightest students who is also a topper in the class, in this DE’s (Desperate-to-be-in-the Evening-News) School.
The gist of his answer said
“Always link yourself to those who are looking for Publicity, especially political parties. Take a stand, even if no one asks you. Always say “India wants this, India wants that…” The idea is that you represent India. And no matter what, stay in the news! Use all your contacts. If you have 10,000 Twitter followers, go for 10, 0000 Twitter followers. If you have 10, 0000 Twitter followers, go for 10, 00000 Twitter followers.
But remember this: Publicity, Publicity and Publicity!”
Author Bio: S Vadwlas is a Software architect based in the US, with an American Masters in Engineering and an undergraduate degree from the National Institute of Technology (NIT), India. He is a contributor to the Times of India. He has completed a writer’s course at the Writers center, Bethesda in Washington DC. His upcoming book Go Clown (Get High Legally!) is a Literary Fiction Comedy set in India, America, Nepal and Thailand. The author can be reached on Twitter at @goclown_book / www.goclown.com
Disclaimer: This article is meant as a satire and has no resemblance to any facts. Any connections to possible incident or events are purely for humor. The author does hold any political affiliations and does not subscribe to any school of thought, besides being completely apolitical.