You guessed wrong! Its not the fear of flying, vertigo, potential terrorist attack or abduction by aliens that keep me from booking a seat on a plane. It’s the following:
1.We are ready to take off can you please switch of your phone blabber mouth. Follow safety rules. Stop telling your wife you want daal tadka for dinner. And I am going to make “baingan bharta” out of you once we are at cruising altitude .. I swear …
2. Seriously do you really think squishing my legs back into my stomach is fair!! I know you can but please DO NOT recline. We are in cattle class but do I have to feel like one too. Also you at the back stop kicking my seat! I can kill you with my dirty looks.
3. Get your hand off my arm rest. Claiming both arm rests is a matter of life and death and I have fought like a soldier on the LOC for it many times. And if I loose the duel I will get you at baggage claim!
4. Like to close you eyes when you kiss, that’s fine but don’t forget we can ALL SEE YOU and hear you sticking your tongue down her throat! So unless you have chartered a private plane its best to avoid this public display of affection.
5. Thepla with mothers pickle your favourite snack, now every passenger on the plane knows. Why do people insist on bringing home packed dabbas and then to make matters worse “pass pass” the theplas, gaathiyan, & parathas across the aisle to other members of their khaandaan. I have yellow pickle stain on my khakis from 2004 that still hasn’t washed off.
6. People with zero bathroom etiquette should be banned from flying. Leave the bathroom relatively clean for the next person. We are not using an unmanned toilet on the Deccan Mail – The air hostess knows which one of you stunk up the loo!!!!
7. For all you James Bond types (middle aged, pot bellied and balding) stop embarrassing yourself and the male species collectively by hitting on the air hostess who is working hard at her job. Stop faking you are a big shot industrialist to get her name and number only to stalk her on face book. If she complains you will be shaken and stirred by airport police on arrival. Oh! and don’t gloat she has given you a fake number.
8. Nothing annoys me more than being abruptly woken up from my slumber by the loud over head announcement that I am now flying over Jaipur and headed north by north west to Delhi. Please captain don’t speak jut fly! And FYI no one on the plane is interested in what the cruising altitude is – because quite frankly we would not know or feel the difference if it was twenty thousand or ninety thousand. Also we don’t care we just want to land.
9. Every time the plane lands I feel like I am in mortal danger with the stampede that’s about to start. Where do these people think they are going? We have arrived in Ranchi airport not Ranchi bus stand! We need riot police not just a crew member announcing “please sab apni apni seat pe baithai rahe”.
10. And the captain triumphantly announcing that we have arrived in Delhi – yes where else were we supposed to have landed??!! And then hearing that its ten degrees warmer at our destination that from where we left. Bheja fry!
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