Since November, Demonetization has spotlighted India on global stage. Everything, from air of India to standard terminologies, seems demonetized.

[* The entries are in deliberate disarray to reflect the prevailing “Disruptive Technology” times. Certain entries carry no explanation, as they are no-brainers. Several new-mint ‘cash’-phrases and ‘memes’ carry no currency yet. ]

> Explosion of the ATMic bomb

> Extinction of the ‘Black Buck’

> ‘But the patient died’: The ‘success’ story of a “surgical” strike

> In quest of lasting ‘app-iness’

> Go cashless, but not ‘kind’less

> Towards a clashless, crashless society

> Damnation of ‘denominations’: Building a ‘casteless’ nation

> Some are cash-wise; others are ‘Aadhar’-wise

> The judge roared “Aadhar, Aadhar!” demanding evidence

> In PM we trust; rest is PayTM

> When you go cashless, ‘cash-mere’ shawls degrade into ‘mere’ shawls

> KYC: Kill Your Cash (under the “Kill India” programme)

> BMW: Black Money Wagon/Brat Mobile Wallet

> ‘JCB’ bank: An institution created to ‘demolish’ illegal-tender notes, and execute ‘excavation’ for stashed cash, using new-age equipment such as “underwater drones” for submarine ‘treasure hunts’

> Baba Black Guard: The head of a religious haven for black money

> ‘Sham’ Dev shampoo, Baba bleach cream and “scandal” soap for clean ‘cash wash’, as well as for prevention of “Parliamentary washouts”

> ‘Holy’ ‘money laundry’, powered by ‘dry Ganga wash’ technology and capable of handling ‘money laundry lists’ @ 10 tons per minute

> “Hittol” Modified”: A unique ‘surgical’ spirit for sterilizing the ‘black buck bacteria’

> Royal College of ‘Financial’ Surgeons: Preparing professionals for surgical strikes on financial bodies

> Exciting new remedy for “Congenital Black Buck Syndrome”: “Anti-monetizers” (Administration of “anti-monetizer” capsules in Rs. 500 and Rs. 1000 dosages has turned out ‘miraculous’ outcomes in India)

> Weak-hearted about going digital? Try “Biz digitalis” (‘digitalis’ is a heart remedy)

> Achche din Analgin: Pain-relievers to blunt public resentment (i.e., to “de-‘moan’-‘it’-ize”) against unpopular government actions

> Nano ATMs: Tiny ATMs ‘surgically struck’ into the veins of ‘roaming’ bankers

> Point-of-Sale laundrettes: Mobile-operated self-service laundries to wash “dirty” money anywhere, anytime

> ‘Ghar waapsi’: Homecoming of ‘black currency’ as a result of ‘whitewashing’

> Mob-ocracy: Political control by mobile phones

> “A mobile wallet for a mobile toilet”: An imaginative ‘gift scheme’ under the “Swachch Bharat Abhiyan”

> m-Wallet democracy (formerly “Briefcase Democracy”): Democracy by hi-tech lawmakers (including ‘crime ministers’), who use frontier e-commerce technologies to transfer their ‘boodle’ (“jelly cuts of ‘black currant-cy’”) to political favour-givers

> “Smart is beautiful”: A policy under which people without smartphones are made to feel small & unsmart and to ‘smart under national scorn’ [If they rebel, they may even be exiled to the ‘cellular’ jail (‘Kaalaapaani’)].

> Swiping machine: A person constantly ‘taking swipes’ at his/her opponents

> ‘Watch’ Payee Scanner: A gadget implanted with a GPS-enabled nano-chip to keep surveillance over people receiving payments

> iNdiabot: A mammoth robot designed under the “Atal Digit-all” programme to ‘digitize India into bits and bytes’. It will be in ‘lotus’ pose (Padmasana) and will be fuelled by high-energy ReMo (Remonetization) molecules. The robot will enjoy the status of a Union Cabinet Minister.

> “Fake in India” grabs record Fakebook likes

> Inside the 56” ‘treasure chest’

> The fakir who flaunted a million-rupee fancy dress

> “I promise to pay the bearer on demand the sum of … rupees, until next notification” – Mohd. bin Toughluck, Governor-General, Reserve-d Bank of Daulatabad

> Hyper-liquidity in the ‘ego’nomy, with a flush of slush funds

> Moodino‘mics’: Mixed-up economic policies swinging on the ruler’s moods

> From Demolition to Demonetization: Riding the tide of “anti-matter” energy

> Simultaneously releasing this Friday:

1) “Return of the Demolition Man”- starring Worn-old Cash Necker

2)  “Ache & Din”- starring “Narrative ‘achche din’ Mowgli”

> PPL card: “Poor Politicians League” card issued for the benefit of ‘common politicians’ with assets in the bottom range of 1000-10,000 crore rupees. PPL cardholders will receive generous support from the “Garib Rashtrasevak Mahakalyan Yojana”, including grants for ‘budget weddings’ in the ‘50-100 crore rupees’ bracket.

> Institute of Bharat Bhakti Fintech (IBBF): A financial institution working at the cutting-edge intersection of ‘theology and technology’ to produce monetary miracles (CMD: Dr. J.T. Lee; CEO-Currency: Karan C; ‘Cashless Counter’ Head: Digi Viji). IBBF has invented two ultra-digital ATMs to ‘dispense two denominations of cashlessness’ to the public: mahATMa for 500 rupees and paramATMa for 2000 rupees, besides a range of e-payment devices for varying purposes, such as PainTM, PreyTM, PryTM, PentTM and empTyM. IBBF has also come up with “UrgeIT PayOff”, a fintech tutorial game; MoDi G-5 (V Generation Mobile Digital technology) ‘fintech app’ to morph ‘digi-sceptics’ into ‘digitocrats’; Gynoid OS for women; GreyPay (a pay-card for seniors); MobyDic (an m-wallet, with a ‘whale’ of options); MobStir, RobbIT & BandIT super-smart and ‘super-wise’ phones; RAHIM (Robustly Aadhar-Hooked Interface for Money) and an array of other ‘path-breaking’ fintech products.

> Jana Dhana Mana Adhinaayaka: The song played by ATM machines after every transaction, in deference to the mythical Lord Superior of India (people in serpentine queues instantly jump to attention, on hearing this song)

> Online nation: A multitude of ‘DeMo-positive’ citizens standing patiently in endless queues – and thereby, at times, putting their careers ‘on the line’ – for the “larger cause” of their country. Their ‘Online Anthem’:- “They also serve who stand and wait”.

> ‘Saab’ ke saath; ‘Saab’ ke vikas” (With the ‘boss’; for the growth of the ‘boss’)

> Aakrosh Diwas: Cockroaches gather on this day to protest against the ruling reptiles

> Cash Independence (or Digipendence) Day: November 8 [On 8 Nov 2017, you will see a novel 2017-rupee note in celebration of the first anniversary of the death of (black) cash. You will also hear a grandiloquent rendition of “At the stoke of the surgical hour … India awoke to second life and second freedom…”].

> Caches of cashiered cash (hoards of extinguished currency)

> Clash-back guaranteed; money-black guaranteed

> Crash & Carry (a bank bandit’s byword)

> Blackward classes

> Backlash of the black-cash

> ‘Black’ on the ‘banned’ wagon

> ’Hard-earned’ loot

> “Digitize or Depart”: A Pradhan Mantra

> White it out, if you can’t wipe it out: Another prime mantra

> Digity fidgety: Restless or uneasy about going ‘jidital’

> Lightly re-monetized; heavily romanticized

> From ‘tainted’ to ‘sainted’: The curious magic of de-cashification

> As ‘rich’ ATMs are gorging on fresh cash, poor ATMs are dying of cash-starvation

> MO-bile: ‘Bile’ or ill-temper in evolving legislative “Modi Operandi”

> RtDA and RtRIA: “Right to Disinformation” Act and “Right to Refuse Information” Act

> RBI: “Reserved”/ “Reversed” Bureau of Investigation

> NDA: ‘DNA’ genetically re-engineered

> NDA: iNDiA without two “i”s

> LOTUS of India: Lord Of The United States of India

>UPA: Underworld Plunderland Authority, or Ultimate Pirates Asylum

> TMC: True Moolah Consciousness

> AAP: Anti-Administration Playboys

> AHMK: Anna Hazaar Moral Knights – A band of 1000 ‘warriors of virtue’

> Binary India: A country where you are either with the ruling class (hence a ‘patriot’) or with the opposition (hence a ‘traitor’) – a space where you are either ‘white’ (with ‘us’ and ‘virtuous’) or ‘black’ (with ‘them’ and ‘wicked’)

> Cleaning bribe-grooms’ rooms with ‘bribe-brooms’

> Say no to “plastic” money (an environmentalist’s cry)

> Back to the Bliss of Barter

> The Government says a firm ‘no’ to a ‘white paper’ on ‘black money’, but offers to present a ‘black paper’ on ‘white money’

> Is bribery a national genius, or a genetically/culturally transmitted trait?

> Heard the new songs – “Saffron” is the New White” and “Sovereign Socialite Republic? Heard about “Mindset Reassignment Surgical Strikes”?

> Govern‘mint’: A government that thrives on minting and de-minting currencies, and coining sound-bites with a hint of fresh ‘mint’

> ‘IT’ con-fusion bomb: “Information Technology” in co-play with “Income Tax”

> “The Raid Ahead” by Dr. Jill Pates

> The taxman’s ‘taxed’ taskforce

> A tax raid is not a taxi ride

>  IT 5 G immunity: Tax exemption, together with a “5-G smartphone” gift for institutions engaged in promoting Govu (cow), Gita (Bhagavadgita), Ganga (river), Gayatri (mantra) and Gandhi (Mahatma)

> De-tax and de-tox the economy

> Thief Secretary: A brigadier in a ‘brigand regime’, with “stainless ‘steal’” nerves

> Embedded graft: 1) Black money under mattresses, 2) Deeply entrenched “loot & luxuriate” instinct

> Paylode: A rich vein of “rake-offs” (“golden grease”) in big-ticket public-domain projects

> Con-manwealth Con-ference in Swindler-land

> Beimani inams and benami ‘poverty’

> The Great India Corruption Correction Corporation

> Gold Biscuits & Bricks (India) Pvt. Ltd., a co-venture of “Bake in India” and “Baking News” corporations

> Scammers, Skimmers & Schemers Inc.

> Fiddle Cashdraw: A con-artist with a ‘doctored’ degree in ‘high-cash mismanagement’

> Amass appeal: The mass appeal of money to its hoarders (“Amma’s” amazing & amusing amassment of assets is not relevant here)

> Strike a false ‘note’: Show a contraband note after its ‘expiry’ date

> Triple Talaq to the “one-thousander”: The tale of the late, ‘lamented’ 1000-rupee note

> The new 2000-rupee note is already turning colour from a ‘shy pink tint’ to a ‘bold black taint’

> ‘Note scrutiny’ tech magic: Scan a genuine note, and a 3-D digital body-double of your ‘paymaster’ pops up to  give you a personal promise by video; scan a fake or ‘black’ note, and your scanner goes ‘blink, blank, black’

> Post-DeMo notification # 111: Two-thousand rupee notes cut in half will be accepted as equivalent to two one-thousand rupee notes, until further orders

> One Man-One Note Rule: One person can possess only one note of the highest denomination

> Recurrent flip-flops in currency currents may ‘electrocute’ an economy

> AC/DC shocks: Direct Currency/Alternating Currency shock therapies to reset an economy

> Remonetization Commission: A group of monetary ‘fundamentalists’ charged with the task of continually demonetizing and remonetising currency notes, and thus administering repeat “Punchkarma” jolts to the body economic

> NaMo-net-ization: Bringing people under the NaMo (National Mobile) network of ‘Bhooth Sanchar Nigam’

> Humanitization: Development of the quality of being ‘human’ or ‘humane’

> Zee-monetization: The ultimate state of demonetarization, where people live and thrive with absolutely no money

> Sermonetization: Preaching the ‘unrealized’ glories of a remonetized system

> Depersonalization (aka “Cobbled Man Malady” and “Mixed Personality Syndrome): A serious ‘identity crisis’ caused by the attachment of multiple official identities to a citizen through Aadhar sheet, PAN card, passport, Voter ID, bank passbook, ration coupon, driving licence, staff badge, senior citizen certificate, a bunch of OTPs (One Time Passwords) and such other means

> Demeritization: ‘Vacuum-purging’ India of all merit & talent and shipping out the whole bulk of India’s future building blocks to the “East India Company of America” through the “H1B1I2 Z1” (“Hi-Biz”) “virus visa” route, as well as deterring the ‘Ghar waapsi’-minded NRIs

> De-molestation”: A counteroffensive to turf the prime sinister endemics of gang-rape and mass-molestation out of India’s soil

> De-maneater-ization: An operation to divest India of human predators and depredators

> “De-mock-ritization” (aka “De-demean-ization”): Prohibition of the demeaning of cardinal  institutions, such as the Supreme Court, Election Commission, RBI, CBI and Vigilance Commission

> “De-bureaucratization”: De-fatting of the bloated bureaucratic hulk

> Jallikattu-mination: Trampling of law under devilish herd-hoofs and ‘transformation’ of India from the “Bullock Cart Age” to the “JallikatTech Age”

> Re-Indianization”: Rebuilding ‘Indian-ness’ in Indians

> Decapitation of capitation (fees)

> ‘Incentive’ Care Unit: A high-skill outfit under a “raffle republic” that offers (‘crow-pati’) ‘gift schemes’, lotteries and varieties of lucky prizes to build speculative and betting ‘capacities’ in ‘ambitious’ communities

> “Smart Citizen” Lotto: A lottery scheme to boost smartphone buying in “Smart Cities”. In due time, loads of smartphones will be awarded also to the residents of one thousand (a ‘Kilo’) selected villages (Grama-s) across India, under a similar scheme called ‘KiloGramoPhone’.

> Mausoleum to Opposition (stUPA): A magnificent mid-sea tomb, made of scrap-note briquettes, to memorialize the “whitewash debacle” of the ‘late unlamented’ ‘Opposition Force’ in Indian democracy

> Shah-n-Shah Victory Pillar: A stately pole symbolizing the uprightness of the ruling czar and made of ‘cash-ash’

> Demolition of the “Temple of Democracy”

> Modi-fied Parliamentary Paradigm: Separate Parliaments for ruling and opposition parties, with a view to avoiding “Lock Sabha” and “Block Sabha” types of situations

> Modified ODI: One Day Intra-parliamentary slugfests on “level” playing fields, with ruling and opposition team-strengths in 10:1 proportion

> Mammon McMohan sings “Mammoth Blunder”; Money Tech Singh sings “Monstrous Plunder”! (Mammon= a deity of riches, in an evil sense)

> “If I speak out, there’ll be a mirthquake” (boast by a ‘raw’ ‘clown prince’)

> Emperor beyond error; emperor beyond MPs (a ripple from the ‘Echo-system’ of the Emperor of E-commerce, Nabob of New Economy, Demigod of Digitalization, Khalif of Cashlessness)

> ‘He’ is Truth – ‘He’ alone is Truth – There is no truth other than ‘Him’: A reverential reference to a prime practitioner of ‘post-truth politics’

> Automated Teller Machine-Men: Spokespersons who go on delivering their “party-line” spiels and sales-pitches, in blissful oblivion of burning realities and their own beliefs. (They just refuse to see the other side of the “foRBIdden coin”). They are also ‘regarded’ as ‘parrot-patriots’ and “Modi Xerox loyalists”. Young, aggressive and glib-talking graduates, with a twin major in “Double Speak & TV ‘Discursions” and a minor in “Hucksterism” are normally recruited for this role. They will be given free ‘4G Volte Face’ smartphones for 24/7 access to their political ‘high-tech command’ after the completion of an intensive doctoral programme in indoctrination.

> Namotoady: A subspecies of the RNA-modi-fied class of nematoda worms, with a pronounced spas-modi-c character

> Plas-modi-um ‘false’parum: A spurious parasite carrying a modicum of politically morbid microbes

> Modish Noddy: An exotic species of “tern” (an aquatic bird) found to be meekly nodding to “His Master’s Dictates”

> ‘Mann ki boss’: A master of his own mind

> One Man Government (OMG): The most irreducible edition of the prototypical ‘Minimum Government’. Slip one step down and – ‘Oh My God’ – it’s ‘Zero Government’, or downright ‘Anarchy’! There lies the beauty of “Binary Statecraft”!

> ProGrammy Award: A prestigious token of recognition for a grandstander who contributes the highest of number of ‘pep-rallies’ and “town-halls” to India’s national political calendar, as well as promises at least one new (slogan-powered) project at every rally

> ‘Parivartan layenge, Kamal khilayenge‘: A passionate wish to ‘feed lotus (kamal)’ and render the state of U. P. (‘Utter Perish’) into a land of ‘lotus eaters’ (indolent, indifferent and intoxicated  inhabitants)

> Achche din calendar: A wall calendar featuring a kaleidoscope of ‘hand-spun tales’ by India’s New Adhinayaka Mahatma And Messiah Incorporated (NAMAMI). It starts with Day 1 of the “Achche Din Era”, under the “India Spinning” project. Any mess-iah (a ‘promising’ man of the masses, with specialization in ‘making messes’) can replicate ‘Achche din calendars’ to project his “multi-swindle” spins through multi-spindle Charkhas. All-India “Spin a Yarn” contests will be conducted for future ‘Achche din calendar’ tales and the winners will receive 1000 designer calendars directly into their m-bank accounts, under the one-and-only “National Jumla (Slogan) Repertoire” project. Plus, a distinguished “Spin Doctor” prize will be awarded to “The Best Tale Teller of the Year”, on every “April 1st”.

> Chest Up India: An ‘audacious’ initiative under the “MIGA” (Make India Great Again) Mission to ‘turbo-charge’ the Indian ‘millennials’ (Gen-Y citizens) to build “nerve-under-mouldy” standard 56” chests and 6-pack abs for future security of India. Some of them will be selected for coaching in ‘Black Buck Poaching’ (“Op Cash Smash”) and the best performer will receive the new “Money Ratna” national award. Further, a game-changer breed of “Thoracic Parks” will be set up, where ‘silicone chest implant’ ventures will receive generous inducements.

> MiRuSuMI (Million Rupee Suits for Million Indians): An ambitious mission in which the poorest one million Indians will receive multiple sets of “prime hand-spun” Khadi suits of 1.5 million rupee value, directly into their ‘cashless’ bank accounts, in place of the promised sum of 1.5 million “Pure Swiss Rupees”

MoSA (Ministry of Scam Affairs): A specialized arm of the central government to micro-manage the “high-growth industry” of scams. The Ministry will, under the “Minimum Government” agenda, recruit a whole army of professionals called the “Indian Investigation Force (IIF)” to carry out “snoop, raid, investigate, prosecute, judge, punish and ‘let off’” operations in cases of financial malpractice. A high-power digital tool called “InterroGate” will be developed to manage “high-profile” digital defalcations.

 

By S.G Seetharam

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