“Bone-Breaking” News – Outlandish Inland Asanas
On the eve of the first International Day of Yoga – “Yoga Yaga” – on 21st June 2015, “The Trance-Atlantique Science Digest,” a young magazine engaged in “sciensational” reporting, issued an emergency advisory: “People who cannot withstand headstands and handstands should avoid grandstand exercises to project themselves as outstanding “yogis” and upstanding upholders of ancient Indian culture. Such exercises and gimmicks may cause bone-and-nerve injuries beyond the limits of current “yogopaedic” medicine.
The much-awed magazine has also made “bone-tingling” prognostications (in its 31 June 2015 “Yummy Yoga!” special edition) about the imminent emergence of certain game-changer yogic practices and solutions, as indicated hereunder:
- Bhrashtachar Nirmoolan Asana & Bhrashtachar Samarthan Asana: Contemporary-generation postures and gestures for corruption-prevention, as well as corruption-promotion.
- Balaatkaar Nivaran & Nirvan Asana: A structured course of fast-action, high-power defence drills to fend off molesters, gang-rapists and other “practitioners of rapism.”
- Bharat Vikas Maha Asana: A path-breaking yogic regimen to be executed every morning by 1.25 billion Indians (SavaaSau Karod Desh Vasis) to achieve 100% growth-rate in just one year.
- Swachh Bharat Kriya Yoga: A custom-designed activity to be performed every morning, just before “Bharat Vikas Maha Asana,” by 1.25 billion Indians to “wish away” all the rubbish and rubble of India in a matter of a mere 6 months.
- Shadyantra Tantra Asana: A one-of-a-kind game-plan of fiendish manipulations and manoeuvres devised to quietly strangle political opposition.
- SwaRaje Vikraya Yoga: A suite of bending and twisting “workouts” to “sell” India and save “fugitives from justice.”
- Krishadhan Punah-Praapti Hatha Yoga: A hot-new sequence of illusively rigorous movements to completely and quickly retrieve pitch-black money stashed offshore.
- Niraatankvadi Mantra Yoga: A cutting-edge cocktail of meditation-mediation-intimidation techniques to “abolish” terrorism.
- Ardha Chandra Namaskaar: An innovative series of 27.5 postures for fly-by-nighters to salute the crescent moon and seek “her” blessings for the success of their covert operations.
- IndiaGate Dhyaana-Yoga: A breathtaking combo package of meditation and yogasana to perpetrate the “great-grandmother of all scams” and then vanish into thin air with “Adrshya Asana.”
- Moun Mohan Simha Mudra: An infra-ancient ritual, whose practitioners “zip their fingertips,” and acquire meta-natural powers to “zip their lips” and sit “Rock of Gibraltar-like” in the eye of earth-shattering tsunamis in their lives and careers. This mudra was redesigned and put to “dumbstrikingly” deadly effect by MaMo Pradhan, a lion-king that developed humongous “will-not power” to save its throne. This effect is now being gleefully and gratefully rediscovered and relished by MaMo’s opponents more than by his proponents in JanaAranya, under various oddball labels such as, “Prime Zen,” “Zenith Zen,” “Mum Mohan Mudra,” “Pradhan Proper Moun,” “Den Zen,” and “Udasin Asan”.
- “International Raja Yoga” a.k.a. “World Raja Yoga”: A sovereign yogic application to acquire the “prime yoga” (yoga= fortune) to jet-hop across the world, on “national-duty holiday”, every other weekend.
This sciensational magazine foresees the development of “Yog–hurt” and “Yolk–hurt” – two antidotes to counteract “yogopaedic” complications, the first for lacto-veggies and the latter for “egg-eatarians” or “yolk folks,” indulging in forced and harmful yogic stunts.
The magazine goes further to speculate that “Yog” (“Yoga,” in Hindi parlance) will dominate the early-morning-sports scenario across the globe and “yogging” (performing “yoga”) will beat the early-morning daylights and delights out of “jogging!” Yoggers (people who love to “yog,” i.e., “do yoga”) will, from now on, passionately and fashionably sport, “Yog whole hog” on their A to Z shirts. And there will be a great-grand project to raise “Yoggers’ Parks” all across the map.
Finally, “The Trance-Atlantique Science Digest” feels that, enlightened by their followers’ bone-rattling experiences on the first International Day of Yoga, yoga captains and chieftains would appeal to the United Nations to declare June 22 as “World Bonesetters’ Day.”
Yoga in Reverse Somersault Motion
From the sublime philosophy of Yoga Darshana to the blatant, zillion-dollar “Yoga Industry” of today, herded by rock-star monks, pompous cine-dolls, rapacious gamesters, mercenary politicos, silver-spoon socialites, yoga marketeers-racketeers-tricksters, and such other worthies on the current “Yogue Gallery” – Oh! What a complete picture of “Shirshasana!” Patanjali must have been blown away by this “inverted skyjacking” – this “Viyoga” of original Yoga – and must be doing “Shava–Shirshasana” in his 2000-year old grave, right now. – The Trance-Atlantique Science Digest.
Gaga of Yoga
Crowds are going gaga
Look who’s doing yoga
It’s darling Lady Gaga
Roaring out ViDesh raga
Shaking off all roga!
[By UpaYogi BalaGagaDhara]
[* Lady Gaga is a singing-dancing diva, pop-culture icon, and Hot Yoga star. Bikram Choudhury, the multimillionaire founder of Hot Yoga (Bikram Yoga), is currently facing a batch of lawsuits involving charges of sexual assault and rape in the U.S.]
~ Om! That’s That! ~
By S. G. Seetharam
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